Friday, December 22, 2006

Heart on my sleeve

This car accident is the gift that keeps on giving this season. Today I was told that my left heel may have a small crack in the bone, but there is no treatment for it except to keep off of it and wait.

How long? As long as it takes.

They're labeling it as a bony contusion (bruised bone) at this point, and if I can't bear pressure on it in a month then they will do an MRI to check the extent of the damage, just for fun. Meanwhile, I'm supposed to crutch it, and the doc told me it would probably hurt for awhile. How long is awhile? Months, apparently.

Doesn't the universe know that I have THREE SMALL KIDS? That I don't ship them off to school and preschool and daycare everyday? That we're home and learning and that they need me? I've been eeking by the last month with help. We've been on our own for a week and I'm struggling to keep up. It takes me all day long now to do an hour's worth of cleaning. Add to that Moonshine's vomiting and Kitty Bill's ear infection, and I'm just like a wet piece of toast.

I've got my heart on my sleeve this week. I'm sad and confused and angry all at once. I want to be feeling the joy and singing the carols. It's Christmastime! Solstice is here! But I'm not here, not present in the moment, not really. I've got a heavy load.

Einstein is back on the job market. He missed an interview in England the week after the accident because we couldn't walk. In two weeks he'll be interviewing for a position at in Utah. The thought of picking up again already is painful and scary. I knew it was coming, that we were still transitory. But I also didn't expect to like the midwest so much. Sure, I miss the mountains out west, but there are some truly amazing folks here. The homeschooling community is diverse and welcoming and just full of some really fantastic people.

Of course I said that about Texas, too. We seem to be making family wherever we go. I'm just tired of going. Tired of packing up and putting myself out there. Doing the little homeschool dance with a new community. Will they like us? Are we too different? Will our kids fit in? Will it be enough?

This is the first time I've felt these questions so deeply because as tired as I am of moving, this is it. This is what I wanted. These jobs are permanent, forever, put your roots down and watch your kids grow up too fast. There are still a dozen applications out there, and there's no telling how many of them we'll get to choose between. How do you choose forever? By the scenery? By the job? By the homeschooling environment? By the community? It's hard.

Maybe I've got to put down my heavy load, and as terrifying as it is, let forever choose us.


  1. Anonymous4:13 PM

    Your post brought tears to my eyes, your pain is so evident...

    I just wanted to say that my Dh had the same ankle problem as you and it cleared up once he truly stayed off it - so yes, put down that load, let the laundry pile up and just read to your dear ones to whom YOU are so dear...

    I know I'm just a wanderer through your blog life, but I just want you to know I'm sending wishes for not only a speedy physical recovery, but for some inner peace as well...

    Take care - Penny

  2. It's so hard to bounce back from trauma, and it looks like you're bouncing into change and uncertainty. Not the kid of pillow we'd trust to catch our fall.

    I'm hoping you can find one thing that will make your spirits soar this season, that will help you with patience and forgiving yourself.

    I'm sorry that you're hurting both inside and out. Here's to putting it all behind you soon.

    Warmly, Kirsten


Thank you for taking the time to leave a message. I appreciate your sweet words so much!

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